Today marks 730 days for us without consuming any alcohol. We didn’t plan it. It’s not like we made a conscious decision to stop drinking. Like so many in things in life, it just happened. Ours happened while visiting some friends in Iowa City.
Good Times with Good Friends
July 10, 2021 – We had a long day helping our friends clean and essentially gut a rental house trashed by its previous renters. At the end of the day it was time to celebrate our accomplishments. I was starving, but more importantly, I was thirsty. Sam knew us well and had two bottles of Freakshow Cabernet Sauvignon waiting for us. Yum! My Favorite!
Once the dinner plates had made it to the kitchen, we continued celebrating on her patio chatting and catching up, and before long, the wine was gone. We knew Sam loved boutique whiskey, so I asked if she wouldn’t mind sharing.
And you know – I don’t remember much after that…
It’s embarrassing to admit but Tim found me passed out on the floor of our van, (not sure how I made it to the van but that’s never a good sign.) The van was parked in Sam’s driveway, adjacent to the patio so it’s not like I was planning to go anywhere, but apparently I had vomited into the sink. Amazing accomplishment considering my condition. Thank goodness for the body’s reflexive survival instinct to vomit when you’ve had too much alcohol. Later I was really happy my body knew better than I did how to survive such an insult.
The Gut Punch Hangover
I felt worse than being hit by a Mack truck. Not that I’ve ever been hit by a Mack truck but the image is impressive. We both woke up feeling poisoned. I knew that hell would be a first class upgrade to what I was feeling. My head was throbbing like it was about to explode, my stomach felt like it had turned itself inside out and was rolling turbulent on the high drying cycle. It was in four short letters H-E-L-L. And I was being punished.
Not only did I feel horrible, I was also embarrassed – afraid that I had made the biggest fool of myself. Sam and our friends had already gotten up and left for another day of working on the house while Tim and I stayed in a horizontal position, nursing our self-inflicted misery.
We texted good-bye to our friends and left to continue on our travels. We didn’t get very far however, we stayed at a nearby campground and felt like a heap of crap the rest of the day. Slept for most of it. We were so sick to our stomachs even chicken noodle soup wouldn’t help. Ugh, I just craved water, but didn’t feel any better after drinking it; the endless dehydration that alcohol poisoning causes.
Journey to Sobriety
Little did we know but our sobriety journey started that day. Just the thought of feeling like that again was enough to abstain from any beverage with a % on its label. One day led to another and I remember thinking “Well, I don’t want to drink today”. And then the next day, “I’m not ready to drink today either“. I can’t remember ever feeling that bad after I had a “whoops I over did it” kind of night. Sure I had all the tell-tale signs like, not remembering certain things that happened the night before, after having a bottle of red all by myself, or waking up in front of the toilet in the middle of the night.
And it was a common occurrence not feeling rested in the morning or not feeling that I could handle a stressful situation without the red wine reward to look forward to. But I had been in full-on denial.
I had convinced myself I didn’t have a serious problem with alcohol because I could wait until 5 o’clock to start drinking. I limited myself to just one bottle of wine a night. One bottle of wine was only 3-4 servings above the recommended daly allowance. And on that note I was disagreeing that men should be allowed more alcohol per day than women. It was complete inequality right where it mattered most.
If it was a special occasion I could drink in the afternoon. Like on a hot day after working in the sun I could treat myself with an icy cold beer. I never did drink and drive. Impressive right? However, I did drink one evening and then ride my bicycle home and was scolded by my hubby. He told me it wasn’t safe. I guess that counts. But I wasn’t operating heavy machinery, I retorted. See where I’m going with this?
I didn’t drink hard alcohol, until I did. (Ever hear of boutique distilleries and sample-flights?) But I wasn’t drinking a 5th a day or anything as drastic as that.
I frequently took care of patients in the Emergency Department who came in for alcohol detox or DT’s (delirium tremens). Unfortunately for them they were a hot mess. Their alcohol levels were 3-4 times the legal limit, sometimes higher. I never checked my blood alcohol level but I didn’t have to, I wasn’t anything like them, so I continued to deny I had an actual problem.
That’s the funny thing about addiction; it’s the devil that lives on one shoulder, and he is loud and convincing. I’m sure she helped me make all these justifications so my drinking would be acceptable and free of guilt.
However, on my other shoulder I faintly heard a constant niggling that gnawed at me and I couldn’t shake it. It was always there. I’d plug my ears, la la la la la la. I didn’t want to acknowledge I was addicted to alcohol. Instead I buried it or pushed it aside and made justifications like:
“I work hard at everything in my life; I eat right; I exercise; I don’t smoke or drink caffeine – I DESERVE THIS!”.
Living Sober
Looking back now it wasn’t that difficult to quit. All I had to do was think about that awful day and how poisoned I felt. But staying clean and sober has been its own chapter in my life. And it’s certainly been easier having someone to ride along on the journey with me.
It’s sometimes hard to think I will never have another drink again, but I really don’t crave it any longer.
It has been slightly awkward joining some friends out for a drink and saying “Do you know if they have any non-alcoholic options?” But it’s only awkward because we had never had to do it before. Actually we’ve discovered a lot of places DO have non-alcoholic choices. And they are kind of fun.
We recently met up with some friends in Alaska and they took us to a new brewery that had four non-alcoholic brews and they were delicious. It was like drinking a funtini or a fruityarita, but called Luminati or Cocolicious, just to name a few.
Occasionally I will grieve that velvety smooth liquid that used to slide across my palate and seemingly soothe my soul. Hmmmm. I sometimes miss the bittersweet aroma that perfumes the very air around me before it slips down my throat. Ahhhh, as I reminisce, I miss how easily I could escape into a sublime holiday after a grueling 12 hour shift in the Emergency Department. Taking that first taste was a quick release from a tortured existence.
What I don’t miss is the guilt every time I’m in the store buying yet another bottle of wine, sometimes two bottles. Wondering if I will run into someone I know. And does the cashier recognize me? Are they judging me?
But even if THEY don’t, I’m judging me.
I don’t miss waking up to the alarm for work, straining to pull my body and mind out of bed each morning and just wanting to go back to sleep. Wondering why I do this everyday. I don’t miss the panic I would feel when Tim suggested we take a break from alcohol. Even the thought of just one day without it was so uncomfortable my skin would crawl with anxiety. Or the panic of not having anything to drink and it’s now 5 O’clock somewhere. Quick, I need a liquor store, right now! I see one, Pull over.
I didn’t start this journey to sobriety intentionally but now that I’m on it I don’t ever want to go back to where I was before. I do not miss the control that alcohol had over my life.
I feel more in control of my emotions, I feel stronger and more capable of handling whatever comes my way. Alcohol had a stranglehold on my daily life. I just didn’t realize to what degree until I quit.
One of the things I’ve learned from a book called “Alcohol Explained” by William Porter, is I don’t ever want to take another drink. I can’t without starting the cycle all over again. This book is straightforward and describes how alcohol affects human beings on a chemical, physiological and psychological level, from those first drinks right up to chronic alcoholism.
It’s good to look back and see how far we’ve come. Tim and I figured we were spending an average of $20/night on alcohol. It was likely more but what that means $600 a month or $7280 a year. Holy Smokes that’s incredible. Now we’re spending less money and feeling lots better.
It’s time to celebrate ourselves and get rid of the monkeys on our backs. If you can take it or leave it I don’t believe it’s a problem. But if you live your life around alcohol, around drinking, it’s probably a problem. I am so happy to have celebrated two years without alcohol I’m ready to do another.
Thanks to Timur Saglambilek for the photo at top.